CODEXCard 2 of 6 · How to Win Friends, Core Six
Honest and sincere appreciation (Give Honest, Sincere Appreciation)
Genuine appreciation is the rarest currency.
Honest and sincere appreciation is Carnegie's answer to the question of how to make people feel valued. He draws a sharp line between appreciation, which is specific and true, and flattery, which is cheap and often self-serving. The first builds trust. The second tends to be seen through.
His reasoning is that people deeply want to feel that their efforts matter, yet they seldom hear it. Colleagues, friends and family may value us without ever saying so. When someone takes the time to notice a particular thing you did well and names it, the effect is often much larger than the effort it took. Carnegie believed this simple habit could change the climate of a workplace or a home.
The mistake is using appreciation as a technique. Carnegie stresses the words honest and sincere for a reason. Praise offered only to get something tends to be detected, and it can leave people feeling handled. If you cannot find anything you genuinely appreciate, the right move is to say nothing rather than invent it.
Appreciation works best alongside the first principle. When people know your positive words are real, your occasional concerns carry more weight and less sting.
Example
Your teenage son cooks dinner for the family on a busy Wednesday. Instead of a quick thanks, you tell him the sauce was better than yours and that you noticed he cleaned as he went. He shrugs it off, but the next week he asks if he can cook again on Friday.
Try it this week
Each day this week, tell one person a specific, true thing they did well, in one or two plain sentences.
From How to Win Friends, Core Six (Dale Carnegie · 1936).
